Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Spasm - a rude interruption


Aaaaaaagh! B------s! F--k, f--k. f--k! M---er f---er!


Oh, this is too much. Sympathy for everyone so inflicted. Cursed. This is excruciating!

This is ridiculous. Everything stop for PAIN. SPASM. Your body contorted by a - I’d say crippling but I was already that – crease-you-up, permanent cramp. That’s the nearest thing to a description I can make. And I guess that’s what it is. But, most cramps – the ones I’ve known before (i.e. toe and calf) – can be massaged/stretched back into a “bruised” normality. This... this one that I woke up with on New Year’s Day, seemed to begin in the head, travel down through the neck (couldn’t bend it) and finish at the toes. With the spine and the left leg being, by far, the worst and, I am learning, longest-lasting (typical primary progressive multiple sclerosis (PPMS) I believe).

It’s insane.

It’s where I’ve been – having to deal with it, and – ah! – having to involve other people. And, worse, it’s where my writing’s gone.

So, here it is. My rebellion. And, yet again, b----y-minded determination. I WILL NOT BE BEATEN (that is, until the Good Lord calls me and that’s not ‘beaten’ that’s winning) while I’m putting up with this sh—and so is everyone (Tom, Lucy) around me, I will WRITE! Anything.

And ask you, dear reader, to forgive sloppiness and, probable, incosistency. It makes me cry. I was working on a couple of pieces - which I think I will plonk in, if only for memory’s sake but which I don’t expect you to plough through - for example, the one on our Christmas which, though pertinent to this, will appear anachronistic. And hope that in the end it works. ‘Anything’ being – at least for me, so I feel alive - better than nothing.

Then, after that, I guess, I’ll be much more immediate. And brief no doubt, which should please you.

I know a lot of my MSer friends suffer from these spasms. And poor Herrad, if you’re seeing this, I’m sure yours which send you flying over wheelchairs, etc. (a different type apparently) are much worse. Therefore, please take this as my empathy piece and know I am feeling with you (not just ‘for you’ now!).

Most of us have spasticated legs of course, which is why the usual, constant pain. But this.... Well, I’ve got to move again in a minute. The walking-stick is ready. There are things to lean on all the way to the kitchen, but I’m scared. I suppose of falling, as both legs can buckle and concertina down. I’ve already had to pick up Lucy’s poos (the bits that weren’t in the tray) from the floor, which I did with great difficulty and back pain from the wheelchair. And “Little One” will trundle after me licking my legs cool , intermittently, and keeping her place here even though I know she can make it almost impossible.

She’s the only one, physically present, caring right now.

And there I think I’ll leave it. But I will put in those posts I was talking about and ask you to, again, please bear with me.

God willing, I’ll catch up!

People involved: Social Services; carer (come and gone – see ‘Christmas 07’ coming up); MS Nurse.

Visitors: MS Nurse – is asking GP to prescribe Sativex (cannabis spray) and discussed care options (i.e. live-in care which is – amazingly - available after all but which, with others is “on hold” right now (poor Tom!); Blob and his girl-friend, Kaye, and Father T. with Communion (oh, so welcome).

Herbs of choice: Passion flower (Passiflora); skullcap; arnica cream. More on those later in MS – My Scene.

Bye for now.


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